Beauty Call Podcast

SEX Talk Episode with Jess Brassington: How to explore your Sexual Health and bring your SEXY back!

April 13, 2020 Jessica Martin-Brassington Season 1 Episode 57
Beauty Call Podcast
SEX Talk Episode with Jess Brassington: How to explore your Sexual Health and bring your SEXY back!
Chapters
Beauty Call Podcast
SEX Talk Episode with Jess Brassington: How to explore your Sexual Health and bring your SEXY back!
Apr 13, 2020 Season 1 Episode 57
Jessica Martin-Brassington

We all need to reclaim our sexual health and not have body shame. Discover your best Sex life NOW!

What Jess and I will discuss:

`  Healthy Sex Education

`  Shedding Sexual Shame

`  Healthy Sex Drive

`  Sex after 40 & Beyond

`  Bringing your Sexy Back at Any Age

`  Sex & Aging

`  Good Sleep. Great Sex. Best Life

`  Discovering your Desire

`  Love your Labia - ALL parts of your body are beautiful

About Jess
Jessica Brassington is a wife, mom, and entrepreneur constantly seeking new ways to incorporate less processed beauty, food, and health into her hectic schedule.

After losing herself in motherhood she chose to take a new outlook on life, discover her body, and bring her sexy back.

When she’s not fitting in her fitness, spending time with the fam, or Ubering around
her kiddos she is the host of Naked Talk with Jess podcast where she shares candid conversations about shedding shame around our bodies and sex from a holistic perspective.

As a certified holistic health coach, sex educator, and speaker she spreads the message that ALL areas of life are interconnected and affect the others, especially our business and career.

Jess is passionate about starting the candid convos about issues women are secretly struggling with but not talking about out of fear, shame, or guilt.

Sex help/enhancing links suggested by Jess:
Good Clean Love Lub
Intimacy App
"The Come as you are" Book and Workbook by Emily Nagoski

You can connect with Jess on:

Instagram and Facebook: @NakedTalkwithJess
Website: www.NakedTalkwithJess.com
and by listening to the Naked Talk with Jess podcast through your favorite podcast app.

Show Notes Transcript

We all need to reclaim our sexual health and not have body shame. Discover your best Sex life NOW!

What Jess and I will discuss:

`  Healthy Sex Education

`  Shedding Sexual Shame

`  Healthy Sex Drive

`  Sex after 40 & Beyond

`  Bringing your Sexy Back at Any Age

`  Sex & Aging

`  Good Sleep. Great Sex. Best Life

`  Discovering your Desire

`  Love your Labia - ALL parts of your body are beautiful

About Jess
Jessica Brassington is a wife, mom, and entrepreneur constantly seeking new ways to incorporate less processed beauty, food, and health into her hectic schedule.

After losing herself in motherhood she chose to take a new outlook on life, discover her body, and bring her sexy back.

When she’s not fitting in her fitness, spending time with the fam, or Ubering around
her kiddos she is the host of Naked Talk with Jess podcast where she shares candid conversations about shedding shame around our bodies and sex from a holistic perspective.

As a certified holistic health coach, sex educator, and speaker she spreads the message that ALL areas of life are interconnected and affect the others, especially our business and career.

Jess is passionate about starting the candid convos about issues women are secretly struggling with but not talking about out of fear, shame, or guilt.

Sex help/enhancing links suggested by Jess:
Good Clean Love Lub
Intimacy App
"The Come as you are" Book and Workbook by Emily Nagoski

You can connect with Jess on:

Instagram and Facebook: @NakedTalkwithJess
Website: www.NakedTalkwithJess.com
and by listening to the Naked Talk with Jess podcast through your favorite podcast app.

Support the show (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/beauty-call-podcast/id1462542236)

spk_0:   0:08
hi, everyone and welcome to be called podcast. I'm Janice between your host. I hope that everyone is doing well and staying safe at home. And I hope that you're enjoying all the episodes that I'm bringing you on faith, love, beauty, health, fitness and that you are taking this time to take care of you and those that you love. It's important for us to stay hopeful, to stay faith based and to believe that it's all going to get better because it ISS. So take time to take care of yourself. It's time to double down on that health and wellness. It's arrest. Make sure that you're exercising, but make sure you're practicing social distancing. I love you all. Enjoy this episode. We need advice on you where you're gonna call Beautiful with Johnny Smith. Genesis Easy and Love to have casual yet informative co recession's on six. Beauty, love, fashion, work, life, balance, diet, fitness, nutrition, relationship and life's ups and downs joined a beautiful podcasts and learned inside secrets to true beauty. Hi, everyone, and welcome to beauty call podcast. I'm Jenise between your hose. Today's guest is Jessica Brass Sington. She's a wife, mom, entrepreneur and she is constantly seeking new ways to incorporate less process, beauty, food and health into her hectic schedule. After losing herself in motherhood, she chose to take a new outlook on life, discover her body and bring her sexy back. And that's we're gonna talk about today when she's not fitting in her fitness, splitting time with her family or you bring around her kiddos. She is the host of Naked Talk with Just podcast, where she shares candid conversations about shedding shame around our bodies and sex from a very holistic perspective. She's a certified holistic health coach, sex educator and speaker, and she spreads the message that all areas alive are interconnected and they affect the others, especially our business and career. So let's talk to just about that candid conversation around women and men and sex and body shaming and all the things about sexual health. Welcome to the show, Jess. How are you?

spk_1:   2:22
Hi, Janice. Thank you. I'm doing well. How are you?

spk_0:   2:25
I'm doing great. And I I'm so excited to finally get a chance to talk with you. We've tried to connect over the course of the last month or so and of course, we're in the middle of covert 19 days, which makes us It seems like we have less time, but we actually have more time. But it's still hard to get everything done because, you know, it's it's a different time in our lives. But what a great time to talk about, You know, all the things that are going on and you know how we're feeling. So I would love for you to have to share with our listeners a little bit about you and your story and how this became your authentic boys with talking about holistic health and sex life.

spk_1:   3:04
Okay, Thank you, Janice. So a little bit about some of my story when one of my rock bottom moments that I sure that was very pivotal for me. I was graduated from college, you know, living the dream of what we think you know would be you graduated. You have a great job, you know, apartment and you're on your own. And my ended up being in a relationship and and turned out to be very toxic and dangerous. And I was I had just had our child together, and she was 10 months old and I had gone back and left and would go back, and it just got to a point where I said, You know, I'm leaving, I need to leave So I left when my daughter was 10 months old. I didn't know it at the time, but I was pregnant with our second daughter and badges was a very broken moment for me. In a humbling moment, I moved back in with my mom because I had stopped working when I got pregnant with my daughter and basically left with $50 a one way plane ticket. I told him that I was coming to Houston for my best friend's housewarming party, which was true, but I just had no intention of returning that time. And so I just knew that God would replace everything I had and then some, and he definitely has. So that was my rock bottom moment and so fast forward. A few years I ended up marrying a man that I had met years earlier. But looking back now, I just I didn't think I was worthy of that kind of unconditional love. You know, I had this great marriage and then, you know, had two beautiful, healthy babies. We had a daughter together and I just in that part, you know, You think OK, you've got it. You got the guy, you got the money, you've got the healthy kids. I even stayed home and home, home school, my kids. But then I ended up losing myself in motherhood and just trying to overcompensate right for all the things I had done. So that coupled with discovering GMOs, genetically modified organisms in as a younger parent that led me on a journey to howto live less process not just in my food but in all areas of my life. And that led to me discovering self love again and really making myself a priority. I became certified with the institute Brenda Gray of Nutrition and started helping other women with holistic health. And then that kind of started that journey. That was about 10 years ago when I started that. But then along the way of having clients, I saw a pattern in them having shame around their body and sex and a lot of sexless marriages and just embarrassment to communicate. And so that's what led me on my my journey of how I viewed my body and sexuality and led me to become a certified sex educator and s. So I I am a holistic health coach, but I haven't emphasis on shedding shame around our bodies and sex.

spk_0:   5:58
Wow, that is I feel like that everyone on some level suffers from some type of either body shame or fear or just not really understanding how to ask for either what they want when it comes to sex or being enough being comfortable enough with who they are to be able to enjoy sex. So how do you determine when you're helping someone? And of course, this is the large tough that can't wake and covered over the course of the time of the show. But how do you determine what that person needs? But when you talk to them, I mean, what air? What are some of the things that you ask your clients? So a lot of

spk_1:   6:38
time when we and this is a whole other topic. But, you know, a lot of we don't speak to our health care providers about sex because of the shame. So a lot of times and what I'm just gonna share this with the euro quick. When you go into the doctor for something, you may not even bring that up, and at the very end, you might bring it up or you don't at all. It's similar to help coaching. A lot of times a client will see me for something they think is the problem. But it might really be the symptom because, as you know, Janice and holistic health, we don't just treat the symptoms. We get to the root cause of the problem. So So, for example, they might come to me and say, I need to lose weight and I need to live healthier or and the weight is actually a symptom of a deeper root cost. So as we're as we're coaching and we start breaking down, what's behind that? That's when on It's an individual basis, of course. But that's when I can say OK by listening to them something that they will reveal to me. Journal coaching will let me know. Okay, It's not necessarily unhealthy eating habits. It's like you said, it's it's something that happened in that this person's childhood or it's something that a past relationship that happened that, you know, maybe a a boyfriend said to them that they're carrying in their body, so it really depends on the person. And as we go through this and they feel comfortable and they start sharing things, it's usually something for the majority of time that they don't think at all is connected with what is really the symptoms that are going on and said That's been so interesting and also rewarding for me to be able to help my clients connect the dots. So it's kind of hard to answer your question because everyone's so different. But yes, using in that course, something will come up and I help them. I I asked the right question so they can We can get to a point where we say, Okay, well, maybe this talks, you know, relationship is what you're still carrying. Or maybe it was, for example, the way their parents didn't talk about sex. Or maybe they viewed it in a a shameful way. And so now in their adulthood, like you said, they're not comfortable with filling that desire for their body because I know for me, at least personally, I grew up in Texas. I still live here. You know Christian, and we just knew that sex was wrong before marriage. But we don't really know. Okay, then what? You know, and you have this bad image of sex in your head, and there's not that healthy one. So I see that a lot is a lot of things they might have seen or heard growing up about sex and their body.

spk_0:   9:12
Well, there's a lot of shame, I think, when you when you grew up. And I grew up in North Carolina and it's a sort of the same mindset is you know, a good Christian girl does this and and or doesn't do that and you feel is if you're supposed to do a certain thing, you don't you do need to be mindful of your body and be respectful of your body and others. Of course, that is a given, but still there's a lot of shame that goes into an guilt that goes into when you do finally decide to explore wherever that is or what whatever that means to you or whenever that is in your life. So breaking down. I think those barriers as to the why, because that why might be different for some people than it is, you know, for others. But, you know, let's just say you know once, you know, that's of course, very unique. And that's what you do. That's what you work with people to help them find the reason as to why. Was it something that someone did or something said? Or did you have an eating disorder? Did you have an encounter or for whatever that reason is was fast for two. We've identified it. Now we're gonna work on, you know, the the sexual health and arm our lives, because I think that's what our listeners might be. The most excited to hear about is, you know, hearing about the different things about sex that can be, you know, discussed or how do we discuss it? So what to you is, ah, healthy sex life? What does that mean? It

spk_1:   10:37
So I like to start with, and this is something that I do in once. Like you said with the clients, if it's something that we need to address with them or workshops that I do is I start with are learning our anatomy and the proper the proper terms for that because one We can't speak to our health care provider for having these issues and to there's no reason not to know about our body. It's our body. And so we do an anatomy as faras We, for example, I I share a lot that I called everything a vagina down there for years. You know, I was 40 still at the time on 43 now, but I had three Children and I was still calling everything of vagina. But there's all kinds of juicy parts there. You know that we can learn. So I start with that and and explaining those different parts and then also I and every time Janice, I have women come up to me afterwards and said, You know, this part that you started off with sharing was so I opening for them and I talk about Volvo variety that's so important because a lot of women didn't see Bull was growing up, and so you're either left to society a lot of times, and I don't know if you've heard of this, but a lot of women have labia, plasticky and different things. There are some medical reasons tohave it, but a lot of it is aesthetics, and we're told that it should look a certain way or for me. I've shared that. I watched porn with a boyfriend in my twenties and I said I didn't realize at the time that porn is not sex, you know, it's not real sex, it's it's entertainment. I didn't realize that the woman that I saw on the screen, her vulva could have been bleached. It could have been altar. They could have used lighting, and it really made me feel bad about my body because it looks nothing like my body did. And as I went back and looked at my feelings on my own body and my sexual experiences, I was embarrassed and really tried to. I just carried shame around that. So I touch on Vova variety, like our Volvos are unique. There is no one way for them to look because we these are things you don't think about right. But until where it's brought to our attention, we can say either. Oh yeah, my wolf is great, you know it's beautiful. Or, you know what? I thought my bowl was too dark or my labia majora should be smaller than my majora but it's longer. And I thought I was, you know, ugly air. You know, whatever the case may be, so that's really important. And then we start off by talking about our bodies and how all areas are. They're beautiful. There's no reason to have shame around them. And then I'll just start asking them. How do you feel about whatever the body part is and just breaking that down? So Vova variety, knowing your parts like your clitoris, they're so much more to our quit Iris than what we know. It's a lot of us think it's just the little kind of the little button part on the outside, but there's a whole internal system to the quitter wrists, and so that's something that we talk about. And also, orgasms is a big one. A lot of women carry shame around orgasms because maybe they don't orgasm through Penis and vagina penetration and a lot of us myself included. I just think that's how an orgasm happens. So if it doesn't happen that way, we either fake it or we don't have sex when we think we're broken. So we talk about different orgasms and how a lot of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm. And so we talk about that and had also. Janice is a big relief for a lot of women because they're like, You know what? I I think you know, I I didn't masturbate growing up. Maybe they were shame around it for religious or cultural reasons, and they're just not knowing their body. And so if we don't know our own body, how can we express to someone else? What brings us desire?

spk_0:   14:33
Well, that's the thing. I think you know, a lot of women, I mean myself included. I don't go looking down there. I don't get a mirror and check it out. You know, I don't know if that's something I mean, that is a funny scene from a TV show that I just saw where someone got a mirror and they looked at. There are parts down there, So let's let's break that down because there probably is a lot of shame or a lot of just just not knowing, just people don't understand. So let's break it down because we have listeners of all ages for beauty called podcast. So let's break down the anatomy there were looking at the vulva and the variety. There's let's talk about that versus the clitoris or the clearest. However you want to, you know, say that Let's break that down for the audience and what that means as far as your body and your sexual health.

spk_1:   15:23
Yes. So like I said earlier, a lot of women refer to everything as their vagina. But the external parts I think of the parts that you see. So So if you did get that mirror out and say, Hey, I'm going to take a look down there and see what's going on the parts that you see externally or your vulva and the inner A lot of times are called lips, but they're your inner labia is referred to as your labia majora, those air going to be the the inside. So if you're looking at your mirror and you start from the inside those air your labia menorah and then on outside of that is your labia majora or your outer leiby or outer lips and people call them, and then if you picture going kind of up towards the top, that's gonna be your clit oris. But then the skin that is over that is your clitoral hood. And then, if you were to separate your inner lips or your labia, my menorah, that opening going into which is a muscular tube, that is your vagina. So I think that helps a lot of women to say, OK, there's all this on the outside, and then there's a vagina on the internal part. And then, of course, south of that, the area between where your vaginal opening and you're kind of warrior, your labia, where they all meet at the bottom. There's a little section before you get to Uranus, and that's the perineum. And then if you go snore wth, if you go on top of your like where you're clitoral Hood is that is your mom's pubis. So does that help

spk_0:   17:01
a little bit? Just so everybody, get out your mirror. I can't go to the bathroom. Close it tour and let's look working here. I think you know what? I get down and shave, You know, I don't I don't go completely bald down there. I do like a little bit of, you know, hair. Let's just, you know, but I do like to groom into manicure here. I think That might be the only time where I look a little bit And I'm like, You know, it looks different now than it did when you know, before I had, You know, my son. You know, I'll just be honest. It it just looks different. You know, Joe Child, I guess carrying a baby and giving birth. Even though I had a C section, It just changes how we are. But it's also it is interesting when you start looking and and it's not that I compare or even look at anybody else. Don't think I've even ever seen anybody else's by mistake. You like? Absolutely. That was a mistake. But you know, I think what this whole conversation is is a you do need to know. Well, maybe where you're stimulated, isyou know where you're stimulated and you where you feel good and you need to understand that and not be ashamed of that because it is part of who we are. It is part of your health. And of course, you know, if for those of those listening that are, you know, hoping to reproduce or you have had Children, it's very much part of your life and it's it's a healthy thing. It's not a bad thing. And, you know, even those of us who have gone through some trauma in our past, that might affect how we feel about our sexuality and our bodies. It's something that if we embrace it, it it could be something that's very fulfilling and enjoyable, and nothing's wrong with that is longer. No mindful and careful,

spk_1:   18:50
Yes, and And I'm like you. I never really paid a lot of tension really to it unless I was in. Obviously when I was having having sex, I knew, like, Okay, this part's being used on my body and then having kids so something's either going in or coming out of it, right? Um, that's kind of was the extent of it. And then I started doing this work and I started just paying more attention to everything, and I Janice, I couldn't even tell you what would it look like before kids? And that's why I really thought OK, I've never really given my this part an area of my body a lot of attention before, but there's other internal things, and on my podcast you I talked to the vagina coach on there and we talk about pelvic floor health, but just like you said, a lot of times after Children and even just aging. But after Children, things change. And that's why it's even more important, more so important to know what what is your normal base? Because if things are going on around that area, we need to be aware of it because there's a lot of people who aren't aware of vulvar can't Vogel Volvo cancer and different things. And if you don't know what your bases, you don't have anything to compare it to sue. Also, there's things like prolapse, and I talk about that in my podcast with someone. But that's why it's important to know what is your baseline and howto how to know when you need to speak to a health care provider about something

spk_0:   20:19
right, and obviously we can only cover so many topics. So you have a whole podcast dedicated to this, but this is, you know, something that because you know your beauty inside and out, which is what are my podcast is about. You know, it's about having that holistic whole body, you know, beauty, and this is very much a part of it. Especially, you know, those of us who are past 40 and we are looking to stay youthful, stay young, stay vitals day, youthful and, you know, sex and aging is ah, huge topic that we could talk about for hours. But I I do want to touch upon this. And she sort of mentioned it in, you know, a couple of times there about, you know, as we change, you know, as we have, you know, kids, which can happen in a very young age. And also just as we get older, you know, our bodies do change and our sex life can change. So let's talk about the effects of aging and sex. And what what guess? Tips that you have to help those of us who you are getting older and still want to have a very viable sex life.

spk_1:   21:26
Yes, so one thing I'll take myself. For example, I mentioned before at the beginning that I lost myself in motherhood, and I decided to really take control of that part of just my life again in general. And I was 40 when I really said, I think a lot of women say Okay, I'm 40. It just brings something about, like, you know, where Miami Life, What do I want to do? And so my sex life was definitely one of those. And my husband and I had a great marriage. We had a you know, we had sex, and it wasn't like it was bad, but I wasn't showing up for sex, and I had noticed that I would. Looking back now, I know. But the time is because it started being a little more painful and I didn't use lubricants because I kind of like you, said Janice. I grew up like certain things were for not the good girls didn't do that. And in my head, I just equated that with a sex shop or just something Not good, I guess. So. I discovered a lubricant. It's organic and non GMO didn't have any of the gunky stuff in it. And so I started learning through my sex educator certification that Luke is a good thing. A good clean luv is a really good thing. And so as we age, whether it's hormones having Children aging, things can become thinner down there and dryer, So I like to share always start with the Lube because that may not you might have other issues, but that's a good place to start. So I'm a big advocate for Luber lubricant. A lot of people have the misconception that Oh, if you're turned on, you're going to get a quote unquote what a lot of times you call wet or you know you're gonna be lubricated. But that's not always the case. And that's another thing that people can have shame about because they're like, I love my you know, I love my husband and I'm just not getting lubricated, so it could just very well be a hormonal thing as we age. So lubrication is definitely something that I like to tell people because a lot of women think painful sex is normal and I want to share. That's a very important to that. It's not normal. It may be common, but common doesn't always equal normal, so that could be for a variety of things. But a lot of women have painful sex, and they either avoid sex which causes into me intimacy and connection issues with their in their relationship or they just bear it. They go through it and that's not good either. And they're not talking to their doctors. So lubrication would definitely be the first thing and then also being aware that there are different desires on desire levels and you might have one type of desire and then, as you agent might change. But you can be responsive, or or you could be spontaneous. And that just means that spontaneous desire is like, say, you're just sitting there and you just are in the mood. You feel sexy. You wanna have sex. That's great. Okay, that spontaneous. But you might also be responsive and have responsive arousal, meaning you might need something to kind of get you in the mood. So maybe in your relationship, you don't find yourself saint. I really want to have sex tonight or right now, but once you feel connected and in your relationship there, you know you're you're cuddling or whatever these other needs are being met. Then you confined her desire being turned on. So I like to share that. It's important to know that there's different desire types because as we age we might think we're becoming less of a sexual being, especially with society. A lot of times de sexualize is us as we age, right? I hire changing, you know, and so I like sharing that. And if we have these feelings that oh, I'm aging, so I shouldn't be a sexual those things as well. Those thoughts can begin to manifest themselves physically, and we won't be is turned on. Or we won't think that because your brain has a lot to do with sex, because if the brain's good, the body, a lot of times will follow. But if it's not, the body might have a hard time. As far as you know, whether that's erection for men or it's just different responses for women,

spk_0:   25:47
well, that goes back to you know, your brain is course your most of your largest sexual organ. I guess that's the one that sort of starts it all. You have to have that that has to be healthy. That has to be stimulated as well. And I'm gonna talk about that. But I want to go back to the lubrication cause you mentioned that you found something that was organic and holistic, and I I love to put any of those beauty tips on my show notes. So Is there a certain brand that you recommend our brands?

spk_1:   26:14
Yes, it's called good clean love. Okay, And that's a very 1st 1 that I found at Target. So I'm happy that they're they're starting to share a lot of these products in places that will will find them now that they're, you know, I have anything against a actual shop that has, you know, whether it's toys or sex items. But it's nice to know that in our everyday kind of thing, well, not so much every day. Now, as you know, we're a little limited on getting out. But that's one. And I was actually on the founder, Wendy's. We did alive together. I just love her mission, and so that would be one that I suggest. There's also one called Muse in U. S. E. And that one's really need. It has a lot of different actual flavors, but it actually taste good. It's kind of funny. It has a pump like a pump on it, so it actually tastes good because a lot of them, if they have just you could just they just don't smell good. They have all these pillars in them, and so That's another one, and I can send you all the links for those as well.

spk_0:   27:19
Yeah, that's great. I would love to share that because I think that is the one thing that especially, you know, women. I mean, I know men. Sometimes a suffering is a different kind of thing. We can talk about that, too, But with women, you know, we suffer from being, you know, sometimes overworked. And we try to multi task so much and, you know, as we know that it's hard to multi task and really it's not good for you. But that makes us tired. And the last thing that we think about that it's sex, because why our brain is overtired. And that is again that number one organ that needs to be sexually stimulated. And if it doesn't connect, then it can. It's set you up for failure, and it can make you feel is if you are, then not enough or you're not desirable or you don't have a level of desire that you once had. And, you know, sometimes it is just that you're over tire. So you know what recommendations do you do you make for? For those of us that that fit into that category, which I think a lot of us do of how you can just make time for sex,

spk_1:   28:21
for sure. So I have an episode called Sex and Sleep. How to Get More of It. And so there's a lot of things that you conduce you once again. I think a lot of times we don't relate certain things to other things, So I help my clients connect the dots. But if you aren't getting your sleep, it disrupts your hormones. You're all yeah, if your hormones are disrupted, your desire for sex may not be there as much because, like you said, we're exhausted. So I like to say, Look in your day, how can you set yourself up for a successful night of sweet shut eye and then also get You can have sex in there, which can help you actually, you know, relax. So look around at your home, and how are you setting your day up? If you're looking at your computer screens or have all the blue lights that you're seeing and you're not able to calm down at night, I like to say your broom should be for sex or sleep. So if you're staying up late on your device in your bed or watching TV, you're not signaling to your brain that this is a place that we sleep and re arrest or we have sex. So I like to say, Look at your bedroom and how was that set up? A lot of people still sleep with their phones in their bedroom. And so that's one thing my husband and I early on, we we learned as I was learning all of these effects on our sleep. Two. We take our phone out of our room, we put it in our closet, so you know, if there's an emergency or something, we can still hear it. But then it's not there. And so I say, Look at your nighttime routine. Are you setting yourself up for success to sleep? And if not, then what can you do to change that? So that's something that helps a lot. There's a great book out there. I don't know if you've heard of it, Janice, but it's called Come as You Are, and it's by Dr Emily Nagorski and she talks about this goes back to you, saying that multitasking, right? That a lot of times the context of the situation can inhibit or help your, you know, your pleasure, your desire and your orgasm. So if we're have this part of our brain that we're thinking, okay, I've got

spk_0:   30:30
all this to

spk_1:   30:30
do. I'm stressed. Or if you've got kids, you're like waiting for the kids. You know, you don't wanna wake the kids or them tow walk in. All these things can inhibit us from relaxing and getting in the mood or enjoying that experience. So I think between making sure you have a good routine, you're getting sleep, setting yourself up for that as much as possible. And then also, what can you do, too? To stop some of those inhibitors that were keeping our minds from going, you know, 1000 miles a minute when we need to just focus on bringing pleasure, not performance, right? Not, you know, or get my balloon orgasms or doing sex the way we thought it should be. And as we age, it might look different. We're aging, and it's you know, either we've been in a relationship longer or it were just that a different season in our life, so it's not going to look the same as it might have in our twenties or thirties. And that's okay if we have this performance and an unrealistic so expectations. I like to call them in our mind. Like you said, it's kind of setting you up for failure. So if you could go with what is my purpose of this? I wantto bring bring pleasure to the person I'm with and myself and just connect that helps. That really can change the mindset going into your sexual experience.

spk_0:   31:50
That's great advice and you know it also, I think I mean, I just feel like sometimes we as we get older and I'm speaking for myself to that, we forget to connect the way we used to when we were younger, because we have that we have that job. We have those Children we have, you know, potentially grandchildren or whatever your life is. You forget that when you were first dating, when you were first to gather, you spent more time trying to get to know each other, and I feel I mean, you tell me if I'm wrong, but I I think reconnecting in that way as well makes a huge difference in how your sex life can gets so much better if you connect the way you did when you first met and when your first date and you were excited about each

spk_1:   32:34
other. Oh, yes, for sure. And that's what I saw in my hesitant and myself. Once again, we didn't even really argue or anything like that. But I said, You know what? I missed kind of flirting or laughing or Ito doing all these things. And it was really kind of funny, but sad as well, when we we decided back then about to go to a rule vacation by ourselves for our anniversary. So we did that. We went toe Hawaii, and it was we really reconnected sexually. So we came back and we would start flirting or we had inside jokes, right or we had things and the kids were kind of looking like what is going on here? It's kind of funny, but then it was kind of sad. I think this is kind of crazy that there thinking this is so weird because we hadn't done it. So yes, I think that's so important it No, it's not gonna look like when you first met because you know, you have those. You go through that phase right when your first together, but it doesn't mean you have to just take each other for granted. At least make a little bit of time to say, maybe you're going to do something new together. Maybe you're gonna just take time to make yourself flirting. And it's kind of feels uncomfortable. What first, doesn't it? But

spk_0:   33:47
it was very weird when you've been married a long time. Yeah, but it's important, I think. I mean it, least for me speaking as a woman, I think, you know. But hopefully I have some men listening to his podcast. I don't know. I think it's primarily female. I think my demographics like 30 70 about 30% men. But if you're listening and you know your partner, they want you to listen to them. They want you to to dance with them or to take them out to dinner. You know, when we get through, all of this will make dinner for them or, you know, just spend some time with them and understand what it is that they they love and desire and that will lead to sex. You just have to give it time. Sometimes, especially there's been any kind of rebuilding in your sex life. What you talked about. You did with your with your husband. And I think most people when they've been married for a certain number of years and they have kids you have to work on. That's why they say marriage is a is a is a job. You have to work on it. I feel, um, yeah, it's Michael two cents on it. At least you're

spk_1:   34:50
right. And to know, too, if you have been together for a while, that the person you're with, mate, they've changed. You know, usually that person is changing. There could be something that you don't know about them, that you might think, you know everything. And I want to say this is another good resource that I found. It's called. It's an app called Ultimate Intimacy, and I like that at because it has conversation starters. It has little games you can play. It has different position, sexual positions. You can try, but I love that it doesn't have pictures of people, you know. So if you don't wanna watch porn or have these other visual images. It's coming like not a stick figure. But you know the figures you see. Come on the bathroom, sign it, those figures and it's showing me different sexual positions or just starting those conversations. Maybe you don't have to always say I want sex, but a lot of times it will end up with sex because you're laughing. You're feeling connected and relaxed and you'll do that. You'll end up. You know, a lot of times you want to connect that way and to have intimacy. So I think really just taking the sexual sex spect ations away that are unrealistic and saying, What can I learn about my partner? Regardless of how long you've been together? We're pretty complex creatures. And there could be, you know, things that just by opening up that opportunity can can help you spark some of those things that you thought were gone,

spk_0:   36:16
right? That's great advice. So let's talk about where we are right now. We are in the middle of covert 19 days in our conversation. Here it is, you know, April 7th on our competition course, your podcast will air where next week and those of you listening of this was taped, you know, during holy week. And this is supposed to be the worst in the least, the United States. Supposed to be the the I guess the week we really locked down, we stay inside because it's going to be where we feel maybe the most height of everything happening. We're gonna have a lot of emotions. With all that's been going on for the last month or so we had We may have another month of this. I mean, there's just a lot going on a lot of emotions. So what in your thoughts would you think that there could be There'll be more fights or more sex during this pandemic? Do you foresee? Ah, another baby boom, that's gonna happen, you know, down at nine months from now, what are your thoughts on that?

spk_1:   37:13
Well, I think it's going to kind of We're talking about the clients. It's going to depend, right? So I think sadly, there's gonna be a lot of divorces as well, eh? So I think it depends on where you're at in your relationship and how you choose to go forward. I think times like these can bring out at the best and the worst in people. And I was talking about This is my husband the other day. I guess it was about a week and 1/2 ago when we were like, Oh, this is not a temporary thing right now, is it? This is kind of our new normal. For right now, it's gonna make those cracks become crevices. So there's things that are not going well in your relationship. I think it can really bring those out because now we are stress. We have a little bit of anxiety, fear the unknown. But we can also take this as a time to reconnect and makes sex a priority. Or, sadly, some people will say it's the last on my list now. Maybe I was busy before it had things on my mind, and now it's really not gonna happen or weaken. Like you said. Maybe have a baby boom there. So I think it's important that we know you can feel more relaxed if you are educated on how can I have sex? If and if I don't want to get pregnant, what are some things that I can do and So that's something that we talk about as well. And some of my workshops is no in your body. I did not know Janice, like my difference phases of my menstrual cycle. I just knew I didn't want to get my period. I started very young and fourth grade, actually, the summer, my fourth grade. So I had pubic hair early on. So then as the girls were bragging about, you know Oh, look, I've got hair. I was like, I didn't want anyone to know. So, you know, just I have three girls and I said no, you know, I want to let them know what to expect. And so that's something that the more you're aware take this time. You know, while you may not, you know, have to be driving as much to say if you don't, this is, you know, I want to start tracking my cycle. No, my difference of phases of my cycle and how to tell. There's something called the fertility awareness method. And I've also short on my podcast and on others, the effects of this is something to your audience might be interested in is the effects of birth control and different things like that on your body and your hormones and your libido. So if you don't, if you're not using those things, you can do the fertility awareness method and you do something. What that means is there several different ways. But one way is you take what's called your basal body temperature. It's the lowest temperature. You would take it every day before you get out of bed and tracker temperature that way. And then you can also track your cervical mucus, which you might know his discharge. Something again. Janice. I never really paid attention. I mean, I knew it was there, but I didn't realize why it was there why it looked different at different times of the month. And that's something that you can be tracking as well. And then, you know, obviously like when you have those days, those few days before your fertile you can either choose to not have sex those days, or to know that you need to use protection and be more careful,

spk_0:   40:29
right? Right, And you you have since your holistic as well and talk about health and eating. Do you have a holistic type of birth control that you recommend? Or is that the one that you recommended it? Or is there something in addition to that? Well,

spk_1:   40:43
so I there are some. There are different ones, and I try to be careful to recommend or not recommend because everyone's different. And I don't know, I don't like to say Don't do this or do this I really want to be an advocate for being aware of your body and knowing your options and just know that if you want, there are low hormone options out there. But to really be an advocate and speak to your health care provider because a lot of times were told, Thio use things that they don't have side effects when indeed they do, or you might be fine. But then the next person or your friend or family member that takes it may have horrible side effects. So I would say, Really, do your research on each one. And don't be afraid to ask questions and have a health care provider that makes you feel comfortable asking these questions because they are out there. But if not, find a new health care provider.

spk_0:   41:40
Yeah, and I do honestly think that you have to do your research when it comes to birth control and how it does affect you because you're putting your taking something. You're putting new a chemical in your body and it can change how you feel and change. You know everything about you, and that's again talking about your body and being comfortable with it. For me, I was very adverse to anything that was a birth control. It really bothered me tremendously. So I used a diaphragm just because I felt that was the most holistic way of of doing it for me. It worked for me extremely well, a little. You know, I don't know other recommendations for others, but that was the research that I did. So I agree with you. You have to take everybody's so different, you got to do what's best for you. But you do have to ask those questions. And I also recommend you're talking with your your partner about that, too, of how it will affect your mood and factor cycle. And you know, in that way you're all on the same plate. And if you're having a lot of extra sex during this time because you're you're cooped up as you should be and safe at home, then that is a very healthy thing for you. And I think it's a It's a great time. And I know there's people out there that are wanting to have babies, and there's others that may not welcome that. So that third or fourth or fifth childhood. So just be careful and have fun while you're doing it. And there's probably a lot of fun things that you can do without the penetration as

spk_1:   43:06
well. Yes, and so that brings us back to know in your body and saying, OK, we're just wanting to bring pleasure and desire in this experience. We're going back to that clitoral stimulation. A lot of women can have achieve orgasm without penetration, So that's one way to just connect and have fun. And there are so many benefits of orgasms, health benefits as well. It's definitely one of my favorite stress relievers. I like my other self care things don't get me wrong, but that's definitely at the top of my list. But it can help with stress, which we all know affects our immune system. It just helps in so many different ways, so Yes, by all means do that. But like you, said Janice, it doesn't have to be penetration. And I think that's one of the things I share that myself included. But so many women think sex is just this one way. Whatever reason, they have this one image in their mind, whether it's movies, you know, media a relationship. And it doesn't have to be that if you can go back to, we want to connect. We want to share this time together. It can relieve so much of that stress going into it, and you can, you can. There's nothing wrong with even if you're married, even appear in a long term relationship. Hey, you know, during this time, especially once you get to know your body, if you know that your fertile and you're ovulating, use a condom. You know there's an internal female condom. There's condoms like you said, a dire fram. There's nothing wrong with doing that because you know what? You're going to feel better and then you're going to enjoy the experience even more. And then when you when you feel like you don't need that and you're not ovulating, then you know you don't may not need to use that,

spk_0:   44:49
right? Okay, so let's end. I mean, there's so many things that we could talk about. We could talk about sex from Member. I know there's somebody and I'll have to have you back on. Maybe we'll have some more specific conversation once guest reach out. Because I know this is a topic that so many people want to talk about it, and it varies by decade. It varies by age. It varies by man versus woman and whether you're in a relationship or not. But you know, regardless, if you are married or in a relationship or you're not in a relationship and you're having sex and you want to you know your body, enjoy your body, you'll get rid of that shame and really do get that sexy back. How do we ask for what we want?

spk_1:   45:31
Well, and that's and that's goes back to really doing that internal work and shedding that shame around your body. Because if you haven't done wth e exploring of your own body to know what you want, how can you tell someone else? And so that was me for so many years when finally I was like, Oh, what do I want? I didn't know because I was basing it off of my sexual experience and what the man brought to that right. It's like, Oh, I know, you know, this is what men like or what I thought they liked. So really being comfortable, like we said at the beginning, getting that mirror out if you haven't done that. And really, and it could be a big step for people, but take it at your own pace. But to know there's nothing dirty about this part of my body. I want to know about it and then just showing gratitude for all the good things that your body brings and and to you and what those parts of your body allow for you to be able to do and then get to know what feels good to you. So when you're in that sexual experience, you can say without shame. Hey, can you Maybe you're remember. You're one of those that thought you needed a have penetration and you have an orgasm, so you can say, Oh, can you Can you go here? Can you touch my quit arrest, or can you be you know, harder or softer. I know it's something that takes time, but if you're with someone that you trust, they want to support you and help you as well. So really, that getting to those steps first is gonna help you say I really want this and doing it, obviously, in a gentle way, not where it's the other person is gonna feel like, Oh, I can't please you. It's This is my body and this is what feels good to me. And if you can convey it that way, then it will become easier and easier the more you do it And trust me like once you've done it and then you have a good ending, you're gonna say, Okay, I'm gonna do this again because if you're with that part person and you trust them, they want you to feel good.

spk_0:   47:29
I love it. Well, you can find Jess and her show and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook at Naked Talk with Jess or her website is naked. Talk with just dot com and she has an amazing podcast and an amazing just information for getting that. SexyBack reclaiming your sex life, letting go of that body shame and paying attention to yourself and to the ones that you love again. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Just like in life. The same thing goes for love. Thank you so much. Jazz for your time and all the information you shared with our beauty call podcast family. Thank you, Janice. Thanks so much for listening. I hope that you enjoyed this episode, and if so, please go to your favorite podcast platform and subscribe. Make sure if you're apple, that you subscribe. Break and redeem me on iTunes and I would love your feedback at any time. You could reach out to me on Janice McQueen dot com and contact me. We're joined my newsletter and give me the feedback of different subjects and topics that you would like to hear or if you would like to be a guest on my show. Stay tuned for my new website because I will have one a very soon and we'll be providing you with all kinds of giveaways and gifts. Help you be a beautiful person inside and out. Have a great day. Thanks so much for listening